I don't know.

"I don't know." That has been my most repeated phrase since we landed in Omaha in July.
That is the only answer I've had for every question regarding our future, and I'm sick of it. I don't know what I thought coming back to the US would be like, but I didn't imagine it would be like this.
I became an adult in China. I learned how to be a wife- in China. I became a mother- in China. I went through every single agonizing parenting issue- sleeplessness, illness, teething, potty training, disciplining, educating and on and on...- in China. Chris and I fumbled along doing the best we could. It was certainly tough and rocky at times, but most of the time it was rewarding. All this is to say, being a mom and adult in the USA has really thrown me. I'm always surprised by the wrinkles I see on my face in the mirror. What? When I did I grow up?
Life overseas is gut wrenchingly hard, but it's also exciting and adventurous. You're always at a heightened level of awareness because of the scrutiny of the locals. I grew accustomed and calloused to that. I took a lot of identity in my expat state. Now, I just feel kind of lost. Have you had those times when your feelings don't match your thoughts, and then you get guilty for having those feelings, but you can't make them go away?
Here's an example:
Feeling: Sad and depressed because I feel aimless and lost in my purpose now because we aren't in China, and we don't know what to do next.
Thought: How dare you feel that way! Your identity does not rest in where you live nor what you do , but in who you are as a follower of Christ and a daughter of the King of the Universe!!!
Result: overwhelming guilt that I am not thankful in my circumstances which leads to more sadness and depression. It's cyclical.
So the I don't know thought processes have really been eating me up these last few months. It has been super hard emotionally. Physically we're fine, but the battle has been raging in my heart and mind.
I'm learning a lot though, and I'm slowly coming back around because God is patient like that. My emotional temper tantrums do not surprise him. He is always full of grace as he convicts me, and I'm slowly resting in his arms rather than shaking my fists at him. How long will this process last? I don't know. But I guess that's okay because though I may not know, I do know HE knows. That's just going to have to be good enough.

It's been a long time!

I finally figured out how to log back into the blog.  I've been bursting with thoughts and blog posts, but I couldn't remember the right email and password etc... and I never took the time to figure it out  UNTIL Today!!! Woo Hoo. So much to write down. I'll be posting regularly. Not that anyone reads this, but whatevs

What you say really does matter.

We all know that what we say matters. Most of the time that's a theoretical thought, but then sometimes it hits you like a punch in the face.
I don't share much about my work with the ladies in the red light district on this blog, but I wanted to share this story because I think it might be encouraging if you feel like nothing you do makes a difference.
One of the ladies I have known for two years now just told me she is pregnant. This friend is 43, already has a 19 year old daughter, is divorced, remarried, and oh yeah, she's a prostitute. According to the culture here in China there is no way that she would not abort this baby. Everything culturally and financially would tell her to abort this baby and not think anything about it. However, when we were visiting with her last week and she told us she was 4 months pregnant she said, "Remember that time you told me that Children are a blessing from God?" I had expressed this to her when they were sharing their chagrin that I have three children. She said, "I remembered this when I found out I was pregnant, and I knew I had to keep this baby, that I couldn't abort it. " WOW. She is worried about being made fun of for keeping the baby, being old, and having a c-section, but she is determined. So, if you think about it, pray for her and her precious baby. I don't know what kind of life this child will have, but at least he will get a chance to live. OH, and what you say really does matter.

On turning 33

This past Friday was my 33rd birthday. Yep, I'm a Valentine. When Chris asked me what I wanted I asked for a day in Hong Kong all by myself. So that's what I got. Time to think without interruption, journal my thoughts-having the opportunity to hear my own thoughts!!, talk to the Lord and hear His voice. And of course a hair cut and a little shopping and eating found their way in their too. I think this "time alone" was the best birthday present I have gotten during this phase of my life. Reflecting on my 32nd year and making goals for this year needed to be done.
Something I've been thinking about a lot lately is really working on crafting my role as a mother. I have always been intentional, but the past two years I have found myself frustrated in many areas of motherhood. Recently I was listening to the "Inspired To Action" podcast by Kat and she talked about doing whatever it takes to be the best mom I can be. I kind of had to slap my head when she said that and say "Duh!" (I was on my run at the time, and I think I actually said that out loud!) I had gotten kind of lazy regarding motherhood. Being a good mom takes work just like being a good wife takes work. Nurturing comes somewhat naturally to females, but what about mothering? So, because of this podcast I've been back to my habit of waking up early, spending time with Dad, and reading books/listening to podcasts etc...to figure out how I can be the best mom to my kids. God chose me to be their mom, and that's kind of a big deal.
So taking my alone day was part of becoming a better mom. That's right. I got AWAY from them, and by the end of the twelve hours I could not wait to be back to my babies!! I actually ran from the subway stop to our apartment and was giddy to see them and Chris. I felt refreshed, encouraged, inspired, and ready to tackle problem issues. I truly do think this year as a 33 year old mom of a 6, 4, and almost 1 and a half year old is going to be a good year.
Thanks to my precious husband for giving me exactly what I needed, and for saying that He will make it happen for me to have time alone EVERY week, and thank you to God who continues to stretch me and grow me on this incredible journey of my life.

Zoe Mei turns 4!

I am once again behind on this post, but I couldn't skip it! Our dear sweet Zoe Mei turned 4 on January 25th. She chose a "Frozen" theme based on the recent movie that we saw when we were in Malaysia. The story is about two sisters so of course Bailey and Zoe were crazy about it from the get go. It was super fun to plan her party though I stayed up pretty late sewing up felt snowballs, and cutting out 3d snowflakes. However, the greatest part was seeing our usually shy little girl bloom and grow into this precious little person who is sweet, kind, lovely, and just plain beautiful. Dear, Zoe we love you little girl. Your bubbly laugh, twinkling blue eyes, and desperate need for snuggles melt our hearts. Happy birthday little girl.

Zoe learns to swim!

Another exciting event occurred while my parents were here- Zoe swam UNDER water without her floaties!! She overcame a lot of fear, and we are super proud of her!!

Maximus James decided to walk!

He's pretty proud of himself. So are we. AND Grammy and Bops were here to see it.